A Letter to My "Crazy" Acolytes

By Dark clouds

 

 

  A Letter to My "Crazy" Acolytes


The few who understand my "crazy,"

I'm aware that I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around. Sometimes my mind takes over, I lose control, nothing feels right, and I start to question all I've learned.

I spur you aside, make unintentional comments, and cry. A lot. I hope I could assure you that it won't happen again and that everything is OK and that I'll always be upbeat, encouraging, and "easy to work with," but the reality is that I can't make such a promise. I try to keep as much to myself as possible, But in reality, I can't promise that. I try to keep as much to myself as I can, but I detest it when other people are caught in the crossfire. I am so grateful that you did not let feeling like a bother or having you in my affairs affect how you behaved around me.

 

I believe that I become frightened and reclusive because I'm so accustomed to having my flaws used against me. Past "friends" have told me that they aren't able to interact with me if "I can't figure myself out" or have interpreted my requests for assistance as "yearns for recognition." (Ironically, these same people now stress the significance of mental health education whenever a star they like takes their own life.). Insuring myself that people will continue with me if I'm not the consistent supporting and upbeat boy I come across most of the time is getting more and harder for me to do. I don't want to sob in your presence. I'd rather not admit to you that I haven't left my home in days. I don't want to seem like a cocky, attention-seeking mess... I frequently can't help it though. And I'm so grateful that you don't let that determine how we interact as a whole. 


The fact is that 60% of the time I don't come across as weak and that I project a confident, carefree demeanor. However, in the other 40%, my mental health deteriorates dramatically, and I realize it may be difficult for you to comprehend. I'm not the embodiment of my poor mental health, but it is a part of who I am and will occasionally show. You don't need to be skilled in handling such situations because I lack the necessary skills and I won't be looking to you to "rectify" me. But I want you to know that I value your presence and don't take anything directly.

 

Because I'm unworthy, I think that half the time it would be better for me to live alone and shut everyone out of my life. I try very hard to give as much, if not more, than I receive, so I'm not unworthy; I just like to think that my friends can count on me. That doesn't stop me from occasionally feeling like a burden. Am I a hassle? I apologize if I am, but please know that I am always there to assist you if you need it.

 

The purpose of my post, I suppose, is to let you know that I understand how difficult life may be at times since I know how difficult it must be for you. I'm so thrilled you've stayed, and I apologize profusely if I've ever made you feel unhappy. I make an attempt to exert as little effort as I can, but my life isn't all unicorns and lollipops, and there are moments when I need a bit more confidence.

 

I fingers crossed you liked it; this was simply a quick thought I'd been having and felt the need to express. Be kind in the reviews since this is obviously a very intimate and candid article.

Love to you all.



Comments

Anonymous said…
lovely
December 2, 2022 at 4:57 AM
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